You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh god it's open bar.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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