youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
