I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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