what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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