she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
