I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
