My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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