What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
