If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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