a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
