So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
