Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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