Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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