I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
