I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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