Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Randomize
