Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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