life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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