My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
