Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
