i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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