I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Boobs speak an international language.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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