I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
