I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
