Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
