I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
