Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
