OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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