Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
