Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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