What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
