So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
