Jerry, you need to find god
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
