Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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