There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
