i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
