Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
