He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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