I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
