Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
