It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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