guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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