Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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