i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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