You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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