I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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