I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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