There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
