my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
