I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
