Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
