yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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